Scars and all
by Ministryofchaos
Summary: Jacksons still feeling a bit insecure, will Aaron be able to help him overcome these feelings? Based on sugestions by Chicky Babes. Rated k for mild sexual content, set in present time. R&R plz


**This story follows up from my previous Aarson story; the timeline for this is ****set a few months after the last story. I also recommend listening to P!nk "fucking perfect" while reading this, it helped me while writing it.**

**Note: The storyline is mine but the main important ideas and general gist of the whole story are credited to Chicky Babes. So without her amazing imagination and suggestions this story wouldn't have been written. If the story sucks its my fault completely.**

**Disclaimer: Still don't own emmerdale. **

June 2012

"This is the life, innit?" Aaron sighed, stretching himself out on his lounger, letting the sun catch more of his already slightly tanned body. "Too right." Jackson agreed taking a slug of his pint before placing it once more on the ground in the shade beside his own lounger.

The lads had decided to take some well-deserved time off for themselves, both had been working too hard recently and they hadn't had any real time off in a long time so they felt entitled to a break. With the combination of a good bit of money saved up and the crappy weather back home they decided on a two week break in sunny Milan. They were staying at a fine hotel, the food was nice, the service was unfaultable, there was a pool on the premises with a pool side bar, a sandy beach not far off and just half an hour's bus trip away was the city of Milan. But the best thing probably of all was that no one batted an eyelid when two men turned up requesting a room with one bed, nor when the Walsh's came down for breakfast each morning with their hands clasped. At one time being seen like that whether people cared or not would've bothered Aaron, but not anymore. He had accepted who he was at long last, and was now perfectly content to be so.

Aaron looked over at his husband to say something but frowned as he saw that Jackson didn't look as comfortable as he could be. Aaron lowered his sunglasses so that his blue eyes were looking directly at him. "You know, you might feel a bit more comfy without that on." Aaron commented nodding at the t shirt Jackson was wearing, which seemed to make Jay far too hot for comfort as he kept pulling at it to let air in. "I'm fine." Jay answered, not meeting Aaron's eyes. Aaron stared at him a couple more minutes before saying "okay." and going back to his original position. But it wasn't really, he knew full well why Jackson wouldn't take off his shirt even three days into their holiday and it irritated him. It wasn't Jay that irritated him; it was the sad knowledge that his partner was convinced he looked disgusting and frightening and felt he had to hide himself. It was only recently that Jackson had stopped pushing Aarons hands away when attempting to remove his top during their nightly sessions but Aaron knew Jay only did that for his sake, he knew he still disliked the way he looked and it broke Aarons heart.

Later on Jackson stepped out of the shower of their room with a towel round his waist, about to dry himself and dress for dinner. Aaron was out on the balcony admiring the view.

Suddenly the towel slipped and Jay bent to retrieve it. As he came back up he glimpsed himself in the full length mirror that was in their room and paused, looking at his image. He saw all the white lines that laced his upper half, some so thin they were like threads, and some ragged. And every single one he hated.

Jackson clenched his fist annoyed and frustrated at the sight of himself, sorely tempted to send his fist through the mirror. Suddenly he saw two arms wrap around his waist and a dark head rest on his shoulder. Aaron. He calmed down slightly but the frustration still remained and Aaron saw this.

Aaron looked at the reflection with him and wouldn't let him turn his head away. "Why do you hate them so much?" he muttered a little sadly, keeping his eyes fixed on his husbands in the mirror. "Why do you not?" Jackson said emotionlessly.

"I asked you first."

"Because…. They're horrible. Disgusting, ugly, vile, and I look like Frankenstein's monster because of them." Jackson replied. Aaron felt his insides clench, it was the bluntness of his answer that stung him, as if his partner had just completely resigned himself to the belief that he should be hidden away for the rest of his life just because of some torn body tissue.

Jackson sighed "I know I sound awful, Aaron. I mean no one will ever be able to imagine how grateful and happy I am to be alive and how lucky I feel to have gotten all my feeling and movement back, and to have had someone like you stand by me all the way. A stupid side effect like this shouldn't bother me, but it does. It's like a horrible mental barrier that I can't get past, and it's that which annoys me even more than the scars themselves."

With that Jay broke eye contact with Aaron, ashamed to look at him. Aaron stayed motionless for a minute behind him before using his hand to gently tilt Jays chin upwards so their eyes were back in contact.

"I'm gonna answer your question now, but first come here." Aaron said softly, stepping away and pulling Jacksons hand. Jackson willingly allowed his partner to pull him away from the mirror. Aaron lay down on their large bed and gently pulled Jackson down so he was lying on his back beside him. He then moved Jays head so that he was facing him and ran his hand slowly up and down his partners top half, as usual feeling the automatic tenseness of Jacksons body. Neither stopping this movement nor taking his eyes off Jay he said softly "I don't hate them for a number of reasons, one of the main ones being because they're part of you and I love every bit of you, more than you'll ever know. Another is because they remind me that at least you're still alive and with me, it wouldn't bother me if your whole body was laced with scars as long as there's still air and blood running through it. What's more…" He propped himself up a little higher to better observe his lovers torso. "Have you ever thought that they sort of tell a story? Our story?" Jackson looked at him a little confusedly. To better explain, Aaron started caressing and stroking three particular scars, causing Jays heart to beat a little faster as the memory flashed in his mind of how they came to be on his body. "Sorry for it being a stupid question, but d'you remember how you got these 3?" Jackson remembered.

Jackson could still hear the squeal of the tyres as the van swerved, the numbing feeling of terror as the vehicle tumbled violently down the hillside, the sudden strikes of pain as bits of metal and glass clashed with and lacerated his head and body, the feeling of surreallness as the van came to a halt. Then there was the metallic taste of blood, and then there was the bright lights blinding him. And then darkness and nothingness as the train hit.

The three scars were long and jagged, caused by the van hurtle and not helped by the train collision. There were a number of other not so large ones caused by this also which peppered Jays body, but didn't bother him as much as the main 3. One ran diagonally right across his chest, another round his side, and the other travelled over part of his stomach, where it intersected with another one, this one long but thin and tidy looking.

"This one's from the surgery after the accident." Aaron muttered tracing the scar as he did so. "They had to see what internal damage was caused; they were worried your organs were bleeding. I was never so scared Jay, all I wanted was to swap places with you. Scratch that, all I wanted was the time to turn back so I could stop myself being such an immature idiot with Mickey and nearly losing the best thing that had ever come into my life in the process."

At this a few tears formed in Aarons eyes, although he blinked them away one managed to escape down his face. Jackson sat up and placing his hand against the side of Aarons face gently brushed it away, stroking his cheek gently with his thumb. Aaron grinned embarrassedly at him and bringing his own hand up gently pulled Jays hand away from his face and lowered it. Still holding it he reached his other arm around Jays back and ran it down Jays spine causing his husband to shiver. Aaron didn't need to see the smaller lengths of scars to know they were there, nor the long thin one which stretched from the base of Jacksons neck to the small of his back. For Aaron it was like braille to a blind man, he knew and appreciated every single mark. Finally he moved his fingers over his favourite one, the knotted one at the nape of his partners neck, slowly caressing the slightly risen bit of skin. Jackson closed his eyes contentedly, enjoying the massage.

"Then there were these ones." Aaron smiled.

Jackson had gotten feeling and some movement back for two months now, he could raise his arms slightly and grip small light objects and hold them for a few minutes before letting them drop. But every day he pushed himself harder and became stronger. Words couldn't describe how proud Aaron was of him, and how ecstatic he was that they didn't have to go through with "It" anymore. He even surprised Jackson one day while they were out walking- well, Aaron walking, Jackson still in his wheelchair- by slipping his hand into Jay's and grasping the feeble fingers, which weakly but lovingly gripped back. Although Jay never complained about it Aaron knew that he wanted to be able to walk again so badly, and it infuriated Aaron that there was nothing he could do to solve that problem.

His phone started ringing while at work. It was Chas, and she was extremely excited over something which she wanted both him and Jackson to hear. The two arrived as told at the farm house where his uncle Zach lived and inside they found the whole family knocking back the champagne and chattering and laughing. What they were celebrating was that Zach, who had worked like a dog for years just to keep on top of the bills, had only just gone and checked in the winning lottery ticket! The working class farmer was now worth 15 million.

The evening was spent in much joy and discussion over what to do with so much. Zach and Lisa who were still dazed over the whole thing, could only decide at the minute on donating some to charity, paying to get Sarahs bone marrow transplant underway, and making sure the family was looked after. Maybe a quick holiday in the Caribbean wouldn't go amiss either.

But to top it all, towards the end of the night Zach and Lisa approached Aaron and Jackson, who were over the moon for them, and said point blank that Jackson was getting a share, no excuses. Shocked, Jackson argued with them that he couldn't possibly, that he wasn't family, to which Lisa replied that he was family ever since he'd been with their Aaron and made him so happy. Jackson still said thanks but no thanks but later on was told in hushed tones by Aaron that if he didn't take the share, Aaron was going to spend his own share on him anyway. The next day at the insistence of the elderly Dingles Jay more than gratefully accepted the money.

So it began. Jackson had to travel to America with his mum for treatment and surgery for many months. Aaron missed him like mad and spoke to him every day on the phone. Sometimes the news was good, and sometimes bad, the worst cases being when Jay in his frustration yelled down the phone for Aaron to leave him and find someone else. Of course Aaron never would, he just patiently bore Jacksons yells of annoyance and whether the conversation was good or bad he always ended the call saying" 'night, love you."

Aaron was not the praying type but he swore to God that if Jackson came back walking on his own two feet he would give every penny of his share away.

And he did, on Christmas Eve of all days, and on Christmas day Aaron nearly skipped to the hospital to divide his share between the spinal unit and the marrow transplant unit. The only evidence of Jacksons surgery was a long scar along his spine and a not so large ragged one on his neck, which Aaron was stroking right now while reminiscing with his partner.

Jackson opened his eyes to stare at his husband. Aaron stopped stroking the scar and still supporting the neck and back of the love of his life lay Jackson carefully back down in his original position as if he were as precious as a new-born baby. To Aaron he was. Although he probably wouldn't admit it to anyone, in his eyes Jackson was his baby.

Leaning over him Aaron said "During the recovery you told me on many occasions to leave you and go off with Flynn yeah?" Jackson couldn't stop the sheepish look forming on his face. "And one of your reasons was that he was a top bloke and he was training to be a doctor, so he was a great catch." Aaron thought Jacksons now uncomfortable fidgeting was adorable. "So I weighed it out in my head. Did it sound better saying "this is my partner, he's a top bloke and a doctor.", or..." he ran his fingers slowly up Jacksons sides, causing him to squirm ""This is my partner, he's a top bloke who was hit full on by a train, survived, lost all movement and feeling, fought to the point of exhaustion to recover…" Jacksons breath suddenly caught as Aaron broke off to tenderly kiss each of the scars on his torso "…and all these scars that he has show just how brave and amazing my partner is to have done all this. All they are is a map that shows how he- _we_, got to where we are now." Aaron looked down tentatively "Which sounds better?" he asked smiling.

Jackson, speechless, just pulled Aaron down into a passionate kiss which seemed to last an age. Then Jackson broke it to graze his teeth along Aarons neck causing Aaron to moan. Lovingly but firmly Jackson nipped the skin on Aarons neck causing him to yelp in surprise. Jackson stopped and smiled up at him "That sore?" he teased. In response Aaron reached his hand down to pull at the towel around Jays waist. "I can think of somewhere else you can make me sore." He smirked impishly.

"Now I have to get another shower, hope you're happy."

Aaron raised his head from where it had been lying on Jacksons shoulder. "At least you can wash away any marks, I'm going to be going around with a dirty looking neck for the next few days." He protested. Jackson grinned cheekily at his husband who was still curled up halfway across his chest. "Never bothered you at home the many times I had to go to work with the rest of the lads thinking I was a victim of domestic violence cause of the amount of marks on my neck. Besides no one in the hotel will see you tonight anyway because you caused us to miss dinner, sex crazed div that you are."

"Still got dessert though didn't you, you ungrateful twat." Aaron retorted. Jay just shook his head fondly. He loved this little bit of fun they had during their afterglows. Gently moving Aaron off him he swung his legs out of bed and picked up the discarded towel, heading towards the bathroom. "Oh and Aaron don't fall asleep, we're going to head out for something to eat so pick something to wear pronto."

"Ever hear the term "take it slow and easy", babe?" Aaron yawned, still too comfy to move from their bed. "Not from your mouth 20 minutes ago anyway." Jackson smirked and ducked as Aaron threw a pillow at him.

The next day was spent in higher spirits as they spent the day in Milan. The city was beautiful in the blinding sunshine and there was no end of things to look at. The lads did some shopping for pressies for Chas, Hazel, Paddy, Rhona, Leo and Josh, Aaron spent nearly an hour looking around the famous Ferrari shop like an excited child and Jackson was amazed by the architecture of the local buildings, taking loads of photos. They had lunch outside a café before travelling to a famous square where Aaron claimed, much to his partners amusement, the fascist Italian leader "Il douchebag" had been dangled upside down after being shot. After Jay correcting his pronunciation, Aaron puzzled said "ok, "Il douche" then, I wasn't that far off." Jackson just rolled his eyes and smiled, giving up.

But on the bus journey home Jackson felt a bit anxious. Last night over a late dinner Aaron had requested Jackson remove his shirt when they went to the beach after their Milan trip. Just this once, and if after 10 minutes he was still uncomfortable he could put the shirt back on and they'd say no more about it. Jackson had felt a lot better about himself after Aarons efforts the night before and he couldn't say no to Aaron's pleading eyes but there still was that tiny voice in him, playing on his insecurities. Jay decided on the bus trip that today he was going to at least try to get that voice to finally shut up.

At the beach Aaron lay relaxed on his lounger, savouring the last couple of hours of sun. Jay on the other hand looked anything but at ease. His shirt was off and at Aarons command his arms were uncrossed but held stiff by his sides. His eyes kept flicking over everyone on the beach, if anyone so much as looked sideways at him he was going to cover back up. Aaron noticed his discomfort and reaching his hand out took Jays hand and laced his fingers into his own. "You're doing fine." He remarked, stroking Jays hand with his thumb. Jackson turned to look at him smiling, momentarily forgetting his discomfort.

"Sorry, mister?"

Jackson whipped his head back round to see a dark haired boy of about 8 or 9 standing a couple of feet away, looking nervous. He had an English accent as well.

"Yes?" Jackson replied. "Can I ask you something?" the boy nervously mumbled.

Alarm bells rang as Aaron saw Jackson freeze and noticed Jacksons eyes flicker briefly to the bag containing his shirt. Aaron started to curse the boy furiously in his head. Jackson just nodded slowly, already calculating how quickly he could retrieve his shirt.

"Are you a soldier?"

The question surprised both of them. Jackson looked oddly at the boy before asking " No son, why would you think that?"

"Cos you got loads of cool scars, and I thought only soldiers got them, you know, cos they fight and all." The boy started going red with embarrassment at his mistake. Aaron could tell he was dying to ask how Jay had got his scars, but didn't know whether it'd be rude or not. Luckily Jackson saw this too.

"I was hit by a train, mate." He answered the boys unspoken question. The boys eyes widened. "Seriously? Like really?" "Really." Jackson promised. "How come you didn't die mister?" the shyness was gone, now overcome by excited curiosity. "I got lucky son, but I couldn't move or feel anything below my neck for ages and had to use a wheelchair and people had to do most everything for me." Jay went on, the boys eyes getting bigger by the second. "How come you're able to do all that stuff now?" "I got some feeling back after some months, and with the help of money and support from some incredible people I went to a special place in America which taught me how to walk again and now I'm ok." Jackson finished. The boy was silent for a second "Did it hurt mister? Walking again?" "A bit." Jackson admitted "But it was better than not being able to feel anything mate." He smiled "You can call me Jackson if you like. I'm a bit too young for that "mister" lark yet."

The boy grinned back "Thanks mist- Jackson." Before turning to run back to his family he called back over his shoulder "You can call me Jonathan if you like!"

Aaron thought that child must have been a damn angel sent from heaven because for the whole evening afterwards Jacksons insecurities seemed to have melted away and his face was pure blissful. He didn't complain when Aaron pulled him up to go down to the water with him for a quick swim to cool off. As both were waist deep in the water they noticed a familiar dark head not far away sitting on the sand with a group of four boys around similar ages surrounding him. From where they were Jackson and Aaron could hear snatches of conversation.

"…soldier or what?….. hit by a train….. hit by a train? How'd the heck he survive that?...wasn't able to move, feel or nothing for ages…. Must be like bloody superman... so cool…. Wish I had marks like that, get respect big time…."

At this their young friend Jonathan noticed them and started waving madly "Hi Jackson!" he called out almost proudly, enjoying his young mates being in awe of him over knowing the cool scarred guy on first name basis. Jackson waved back awkwardly "Hey Jonathan." The young boys face almost split with the size of his smile.

Words couldn't describe the elation Aaron felt back up at the hotel. Jackson now had his shirt back on for dinner but the shy pleased smile still remained. It turned out their new friend stayed at the same hotel and greeted them with the same excited wave at the hotel restaurant from his table, which Jackson more than happily returned. "D'you think he'd notice or care if I left?" Aaron remarked without any tone of jealousy at all. He was completely delighted with this incredible event. He believed it to be a turning point finally for Jackson.

Later on as they returned to their hotel room both started feeling a bit frisky yet again and to Aarons delight Jay commenced the whole thing. But as Aarons hands travelled up his partners shirt to undo the buttons Jacksons hands caught hold of his. Aarons heart sank.

Then Jay leaned forward to hiss longingly in Aarons ear "Just. Rip. It. Off."

Aaron did just that, smiling from ear to ear.

Later on they just lay cuddled up together, getting their breathing and heart rates back to normal, enjoying the afterglow in silence. Suddenly Aaron spoke "You know, that kid probably would've let you adopt him if you asked."

Jackson chuckled "Doubt his parents would like that."

There was more silence for the next few minutes. Adoption even in joking form was a thoughtful subject for both of them. They weren't in any rush to have kids yet, but maybe sometime in the future. Both would love to raise a child with the other, whenever they were both ready that is.

Aaron propped himself up on his elbows and placed a small kiss on his husbands forehead. "So are all those doubts gone now, baby?" he asked hopefully.

He was surprised a moment later to find himself back on his back with his husband now leaning over him. As Aaron took in first his partners torso and then his smiling face with the gorgeous brown eyes, he thought he'd never seen anything so beautiful in his life.

"What do you think?" Jackson asked softly, still smiling down at him.

Aaron made no reply but keeping his eyes fixed on his life partners he brought his hand up and hooking a finger into the saint Christopher cross chain Jackson always wore he gently pulled him down into a deep, slow loving kiss. Both fell asleep that night knowing that the scars would cease to trouble them anymore.

**That's that, or as we say in Ireland, sin sin (pronounced shin shin). As said if the storylines rubbish its my fault. The key ideas of Jackson finally accepting his scars, his scars being like a map of how they got to where they are now and who they are now, the reasons why Aaron loves Jacksons scars**, **each scar having a story are Chicky Babes ideas, so any credit rightfully goes to her.**

**Thanks for reading, Ministryofchaos**


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